Selling House: An Exercise in Pain

When the Lamb opened the second seal, it was poured out upon the land. And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. I demanded the name of this rider, and she replied, "I am Melissa, your adjuster from Farmer's Insurance." And at once, the earth was dark. Revelation 6:3-4.

So, when Sarah said she wanted to start this blog to help friends and family keep up to date with our happenings and such, while to the layman, or say, any normal person, that would come across like, "Oh wow, what a nice idea, I'm sure since you are at such a distance from said friends and family, that idea is really a good one." Well, I am no layman. I immediately seized upon the opportunity to rant and rave to what I am sure will be a mostly uninterested audience (specifically uninterested in my pontification, Sarah's very entertaining, I anticipate interest in her postings)

For those of you who have never sold a house before, I envy you. You still have a childish innocence that I feel for me as been ripped asunder. Buying a house is a delightful process. If you have only bought, but never sold, I am sure that in your mind it has been a stressful process, quite exhausting. In the words of Elanor Roosevelt, "Cowboy up, wuss, you don't know the meaning of pain." Ok, maybe she didn't say that, but I promise you she thought it. When you buy a house, you have an agent who does all the hard work, for free mind you, and wants nothing more than to make your sale happen at no cost to you. You have pick of the litter for which house you want to buy, it can be anything! Yes, getting approved for a loan and all that crap is a pain, but really that's about it. But there is a darker side to the real estate aisle.........selling a house.

Selling a house is akin to medieval torture, or imagine being stuck in a chair in a white room airing nothing but reruns of Kathy Griffin standup. My experience has bordered on nightmarish. I would imagine the story of selling my house would have been rejected as a potential screenplay for "Saw 7" based on the theory that they couldn't keep an R-rating. I'll save you all the gory details, but let the record show that selling a house is a pain. Not only do you need to keep the place in immaculate shape during your showings, which for me was months long (while I tried to leave as small of a daily footprint in my own dwelling as possible), but you are forced into random escapes sometimes with almost no warning. I've been sitting on the couch, covered in my own disgrace and pretzel crumbs, laundry all over, and gotten a call where I was informed at say, 11:18 that a "showing was scheduled from 11:30 - 1:00." This is a human rights violation as far as I am concerned. This is the Highlands Ranch version of war crimes.

But, one day, someone said, "Hey, we want this place." Now, if you've only purchased a house before, never sold, this would come as delicious news. But now that I am knee-deep in this business, I've realized that is only 1/3 of the battle. Inspections have come and appraisals and the like, and we were asked to replace the roof. If you have Farmer's Insurance...run. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. I tried to get my Farmers adjuster out to my house, and keep in mind this is a fella who does NOTHING except inspect roofs. That is his niche. That's his thing. It took a week to get him out here, but he finally did...and it shows up and then says, "Hey, btw, I don't own a ladder. I will came back in a week with one." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Its his job to inspect roofs! Roofs, I've learned, are not located on the ground. What an idiot. So anyhow...turns out they aren't going to cover anything, because all their capital is going to be appropriated for pictures of ladders, not actual ladders.

Insanity. Anyhow, the closing has been pushed another week, and I am ready to perch myself atop a tower with a series of NERF weaponry. I don't want to hurt anyone, and that would be a hilariously insane way to go out.

This guy knows what's up.

So yea, anyhow...things are still moving along, but Lord almighty, is it stressful. But soon we'll be departing for the shores of Waco, and Sarah will start teaching, I'll be doing voice stuff as much as I can, and GutPaks will flow like wine. Pardon the rant, and it most assuredly won't be the last, as I have a wide range of opinions that I am tired of yelling at my dog, because he doesn't care that I think that the fact that "The View" is still on the air technically violates the Geneva Convention, so, I will share with you. I apologize in advance.